Growing up in an orthodox Hindu home is to enjoy limited
freedoms -- spiritually speaking. It was more than true in my case.
I was raised in a rigidly structured and despotically ruled Hindu
home with well-preserved traditions, well developed customs, and
well-formulated expectations, along with, of course, a great deal
of love, understanding, and exhortation.
In spite of all the outward appearances of "peace" in our home,
I used to sense tension and dissatisfaction with situations as they
used to erupt from time to time. Each new episode was a note of
despair in the chorus of our miserable lives. Each chord echoed
with an air of helplessness which used to permeate every phase of
our lives in our simple home. I distinctly remember being told,
over and over again, that all our unhappiness was because of our
karma coupled with the wrath of the gods against our family. I
could not understand what we had done to deserve this and what
could be done to change it, and my father would not allow me to
speak of it.
We went through the usual visits to the temples of various gods
on set days in the year. I remember walking, sometimes riding a
tonga (horse-driven vehicle), a long way to reach a particular
temple of Shiva, one of the three primary Hindu gods. The idol of
Shiva was frightening to behold. He was shown sitting on top of
the world, holding human skulls in his hands, with water running
from his hair and his eyes staring at you with a dreadful message:
Worship me or you will be destroyed. The idol, decked with
flowers, was always smeared with oil and red color. The total
effect was to create a feeling of foreboding and fear. You came
away from the temple fearing what the future might hold and
wishing, without any substantive hope, that all will be well and
that he -- Shiva -- would be content with you. I was never
comfortable in the temple. The picture of Shiva used to haunt me
for days after the pilgrimage....
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